Graveyard fun

Here lies Catherine B…
You’ve found your place like all the rest.
Bonkers as hell, we all said it.
These stories are true, as well you know it.

Let’s begin with the time you danced on the table. Pissed as a newt, you were. Ended up in A/E. You needed a week off work to recover. Took a month to be able to drive again. “Still it was fun,” you said. “Never again,” we said. Six hours in A/E on a Saturday night. Nightmare. And the nurses weren’t happy either, you spewing up in their favourite plant. Oh well. Those were the days, as Mary Hopkins once sang.

Or when we went skating. We laughed till we cried. More time spent on the floor than on our feet. Still the trainer liked our little antics. You dated him for a while. He was good looking, admittedly. Ran off with your best friend. Clearly she’s no longer your best friend any more, or ours. You saw to that. Best not say anymore… it might incriminate me.

Oh… and what about the time you did the limbo with that guy in the nightclub. Yes, I know you don’t remember, or you’ve conveniently forgotten. We had to stop his wife from skinning you alive. All good fun I suppose. All good fun.

Or when you left milk and bread out for the hedgehog, only to find when you’d sobered up it was a patch of grass. You’d fed the grass milk and bread. We dined off that one for a while, I can tell you.

And then there’s the time you thought you could walk on water. Yep, you was pissed again. The coastguard had more of his fair share of your chat up lines. He earned his stripes that day.

Oh… and let’s not forget the time when you came out of the ladies with not only your skirt tucked into your knickers, but your whole goddam outfit, including your coat. We noticed eventually but not before it had 75,000 hits on Facebook.

Do you remember when you tried to rescue that cat. You were sober this time. Superwoman to the rescue you shouted, as you climbed the bloody tree. The cat jumped down and it was you who needed rescuing.

I nearly split my sides laughing. Still he wasn’t a bad looker, the guy who gave you the fireman’s lift. You dated for a while. Yes, I remember until he ran off with his third cousin twice removed. Didn’t have much luck with men, did you?

And what about the hot jam tarts fiasco. We were in hysterics. “Superwoman to the rescue,” you said as you picked her up and put her head under the tap. Yes, we know you thought she’d burned her mouth. She’d only bit her lip. A bit extreme to say the least. Every time I thought about it, I was in fits. It took me a week to stop laughing. Can still laugh now.

The best one I think. The toilet roll saga. Now that was funny. Social media had a field day with that one. Hit a million before you could say, “you’ve got loo roll hanging from” well… you know where. We couldn’t take you anywhere. But to be honest that’s what made you, well… you.

There are so many stories that I could tell, but then you’d have to kill me. But as you know I’m already dead. A bit like you now. Still you had a good innings. 100 today. They said you’d be lucky to reach 30. We agreed.

Even at your own funeral you caused chaos.
“Nowt new there then.” I can hear you say.
It had been raining. Vicar got too close to the edge.
You can imagine what happened next.
Quick as a flash, although a little shook up,
he said: “We’ve only just met. I’m not ready to join you just yet.”

We watched as they carved out your stone.
A…. C……..
The woman. The legend.
Your gravestone says it all.
Born to live life to the full
The scars are there to prove it.

You’d be late to your own funeral they said.
They weren’t wrong. Car broke down.
They had to push it all the way to the cemetery.
Uphill n’all.

And the final word, from you as always…

“Perhaps I shouldn’t have signed up for that tightrope walk.”

Mmm… perhaps you shouldn’t 😀